America Will Invade Canada Before the Year 2100
But it could happen far, far sooner
Let’s face it, friends:
America is over.
We poisoned all our rivers and we’re running out of freshwater, with 96 out of 204 basins in trouble and the western seaboard on fire.
We’re like a thirsty ex-boyfriend in our desperate search for ever-harder-to-extract oil and gas, fracking our foundations to smithereens.
Our infrastructure is crumbling and our cities are overcrowded like a Tokyo metro station.
Our virgin forests have been destroyed and aren’t coming back.
We’re trying to coax GMO crops from dead dirt instead of living soil, leaving us with sickly and anemic food.
Eventually, despotic American politicians will wake up and realize there’s a simple solution to all their self-imposed problems:
America has invaded Canada four times in the past — and lost every time — but you know what they say: The fifth time’s the charm.
(And they no longer have the British and French to defend them.)
For an even-somewhat dictatorial American President and his sociopathic cabinet of corporate inside traders, Canada would be the pearl of great price; and an impossibility not to devour whole. After all:
Canada has freshwater. Buckets of it. In fact, Canada has 20% of the global freshwater supply and the third-most renewable freshwater on earth.
Canada has oil and gas galore. Sure, Alberta’s tar sands are an absolute carbon bomb, but that’s why we’re building Mars rockets, right?
Canada has minerals, including rare ones, and plenty of nuclear material. (More on those trillions later.)
Canada has land. So much space. You could give a free 3.6-acre plot to every American citizen and still have over one billion acres of Crown land left over.
Canada has soil. (You know, the stuff we used to grow food in?) The Prairies are the breadbasket of the world, and as totally-definitely-not-global-warming desertifies the American south and pushes the growing region north, taking over Canada might be the most efficient way to feed America.
Plus, Canada would be the easiest country to invade ever.
It has a 5,525-mile undefended border with the States, and over 75% of the Canadian population lives within 93 miles of the American border. In fact, over half of all Canadians live south of North Dakota.
The invasion would be over by the time those public-pajama-wearing Canucks got back from their morning Tim Horton’s run.
Pretexts for invasion
It goes without saying that the invasion of Canada will come to pass under a Republican administration.
In fact, leading Canadian thinkers are already sounding the alarm bells about the impending fascist takeover of America and what it means for Canada.
If/when a monopoly-loving right-wing dictatorship takes over America in the next few decades, it’s only a matter of time before they set their sights north and concoct a pretext for invasion.
Because fake conservatives haven’t had a new idea in generations, they’ll likely re-play one of the hits from their back catalog:
“The Central America”
The reality is that Canada only exists because they’re obedient little lap dogs for their southern neighbo(u)rs. Just as the CIA has couped and/or ousted dozens of progressive (and elected) Latin leaders, if a too-progressive Canadian Prime Minister waded into “communist” territory and, say, nationalized the oil pipelines, the American military-industrial complex would happily jump into action.
Should Russia continue to breach Canada’s sovereign territory in the far north — and more importantly, if it interferes with future American deep-sea oil exploration in the region — America might move to “protect the interests of all involved.”
Specifically, two or more terrorist attacks.
This horror script basically writes itself: A jihadi emigrates to Canada. They cross the border and blow themselves up in a Mall of America or a JC Penny. A few months later, a second Canadian jihadi sets off a pipe bomb in an American KFC. The tough-guy President has to respond. Clearly, Canada is a safe harbor for terrorists, at least as bad as Iraq or Afghanistan — just look at how many immigrants they let in. We need to secure the North American border to keep ourselves safe from terrorism.
Canada’s valiant defense
It’s quaint to think that Canada’s allies would come to its defense in a war against the US, but NATO would simply crumble and collapse in the face of such an outsized foe. America and the Atlantic Ocean are just far too big.
In reality — with the exception of a few rifle-toting Quebecers and the 617 First Nations who actually own everything above the 49th parallel — Canada would immediately surrender at the first whiff of invasion.
After all, it’s the equivalent of me playing basketball blind-folded against MJ and Lebron:
The US has a population of 333 million versus Canada’s 38 million.
America has 30X more combat aircraft.
The US has 71 nuclear submarines versus Canada’s zero.
America has 6,417 attack helicopters versus Canada’s zero.
The US spends nearly $700 billion per year on arms versus Canada’s $21 billion.
Canada has 67,492 active troops versus America’s 1,426,713. (And with the exchange rate, it’s even worse…)
America has an unconscionable 3,750 nukes, versus Canada’s zero.
Over 377,000 Canadians are already American citizens, so there’s a huge potential spy force if the US takes the Germany Stalag 17 route.
U.S. foreign direct investment in Canada was a massive $402.3 billion in 2019 — they already control many of Canada’s oil fields and could easily cripple supply lines.
Also never forget that Canada really is a nation of immigrants: Around 1 million Canadians have dual citizenship, and nearly 250,000 people emigrate to Canada each year. Do you really think most of these people will want to immediately enlist to fight America?
All told, the American invasion of Canada would be the largest and most peaceful takeover in world history.
In fact, the words “war”, “invasion,” “takeover,” and “annex” would never be used — behind closed doors, Canadian politicians would give up the ghost and then announce it on CBC as a “merger of friends.”
It’s not all bad news
Ideological extremists don’t like to admit it, but there are upsides and downsides to literally everything on earth.
Bitcoin has pros and cons.
Fiat currency has pros and cons.
Inflation has pros and cons.
The Republican party has… amateurs and con-men.
Everything should be subjected to a rigorous cost-benefit analysis, and the American invasion of Canada should be no different.
There are obviously a massive number of downsides that frothy readers will soon spew all over the comments section, but there are also some real upsides:
Canada would gain military security.
Russia is already eating Canada’s lunch over the much-disputed Artic and is illegally operating within its rival’s exclusive economic zone. America will send a massive fleet to guard its new territory all the way to Santa’s American-made North Pole. Plus, we could install a high-speed rail line from LA to Alaska. Plus plus, we’d now be the biggest nation in world history, with more land than all European nations combined.
Americans might get Westminster Parliamentary democracy.
If the US invaded Canada, it wouldn’t be to enslave the population. The provinces and territories would become American states. If America kept its idiotic electoral college, Canadian voters would actually have a huge advantage at the polls. After punching the numbers, North America might realize it makes more sense to go with the Canadian expression of fake democracy instead — watering down northern power, but also giving slightly more power to the average American citizen overall.
Ontario hates the west, the east hates Ontario, Quebec hates everyone, and Alberta wants to secede. If America gave its new territories states rights, it would give the provinces more power and thus alleviate a lot of the tension that currently exists within the Canadian power structure.
Americans might get universal healthcare.
If there’s one thing Canadians will fight to the death over, it’s universal healthcare. Once the Yankees get in and actually do the math, they’ll realize that getting rid of for-profit healthcare insurance companies is a boon for cost savings and adopt it continent-wide.
Not that Gen Alpha is stupid enough to pay six-figure debt for a paper certificate on the wall, but Canadian students with wealthy parents would gain domestic access to the Ivy League and likely dominate it rather quickly. After all, Canadians are smarter than Americans. It would also end Canada’s chronic brain drain to the USA — not to mention Canada’s tragic loss of the two Ryans, Reynolds and Gosling.
The White House.
Finally, Canadians would have a Presidential residence to be proud of. 24 Sussex is an embarrassment to architecture and a war crime against eyesight. (It’s so ugly that Justin Trudeau won’t even live in it.)
No more border crossings.
Canadians love to visit the US. In fact, nearly a tenth of the population — over 3.5 million people — visit Florida every winter. They even have a name for them: Snowbirds. With a merged nation, Canadians will save 176.4 quintillion hours of life each December while they wait to cross Rainbow Bridge.
Canada can stop devaluing its dollar.
One dirty secret about Canada’s sociopathic little politicians is that they purposefully keep the loonie devalued in order to keep exports flowing to America. That’s right: Rather than letting their people have a strong currency so they can acquire cheaper goods from overseas, they weaken citizen purchasing power for the benefit of their corporate backers. When you think about it, it’s the most American thing about Canada.
America could ditch the $USD.
This is America’s great chance to ditch the much-abused $USD and start fresh with a more sound currency, maybe based on real wealth, and reclaim its place as the global reserve currency. Or Bitcoin, whatever. As long as Canadians get to keep the toonie. There’s nothing better than finding a two-dollar coin under your car seat.
Millions of young Canadians would ditch the cold and hit the road, pumping billions in spending into touristy hotspots across the warmer South. Eventually, those Millennials and Gen-Zers will get bored and want to settle down, and unlike Canada where you can’t buy a derelict shack for less than $500,000, they’ll settle in (relatively) more affordable areas like Detroit and West Texas, revitalizing hundreds of dying towns across America.
Not only would the border elimination increase productivity and domestic trade, but the combined economy would be bigger than the European Union, able to take all comers — especially the massive threat of state capitalism as practiced by Ch!na. People have literally written books about the merger, which would make it the unchallengeable global economic superpower, securing Western values like pseudo-democracy, free-ish speech, and two-gallon Slurpees.
Canada will see an influx of investment.
Canada has the capacity to triple its hydroelectric output. The Bay of Fundy has the highest tides in the world. The Artic is hella windy. With American investment dollars pouring in, the new nation of North America could be well on its way to clean energy sovereignty when you add in midwest solar and Yellowstone+Hawaii geothermal. Plus, there are a known $17 trillion in untapped Canadian resources that American investment could unlock, ensuring high-paid employment for millions of Canadians for generations to come.
When you add it all up, you can absolutely see why some people are interested in the combined U-S-Eh.
I am not saying that the US should actually invade Canada.
It would likely be net-terrible for peace-loving Canadians and for the environment.
I’m just saying that it could happen.
And that it almost certainly will happen.
Because America always gets what America wants.
And if America keeps on its current trajectory toward right-wing fascism and environmental collapse — and there’s nothing that even remotely suggests it will deviate at all — it’s only a matter of time before the stars and stripes fly over Ottawa.
But borders are just legal fictions anyway.
At least Americans will get to discover poutine.
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